So
it's Sunday morning sometime in the '80s, and you're waiting for
He-Man to come on Doordarshan. This is it, boy. You've
had your breakfast and chocolate milk and you're sitting in front
of the old Trinitron and there's no school today and life is generally
pretty damn good.
But
every so often, Doordarshan felt we were enjoying ourselves
too much and not thinking enough about why we shouldn't be killing
each other. If you've never been to India you might believe
that everyone here has a deep spiritual understanding of the
oneness of all things. So let's clear that up right now: Indians
are violent people. Nothing makes an Indian happier than killing
another Indian who speaks a different language, wears different
clothes or talks to a different invisible man in the sky.
That's
why the government decided to catch us young. All through school
we're taught phrases like "Unity in Diversity", but
apparently that wasn't enough. Someone, somewhere, hit on what
must have seemed like a brilliant idea: so the kids like the
cartoons, eh? Shit, why not educate them about national integration
while they're at it? The result? Seven minutes before He-Man
started, this would come on the TV:
 |
Oh
no, not this thing again... |
The credits say that it was
made by the National Centre for Educational Technology, which
I strongly suspect consisted of just two guys with a bag of
opium. The colours in this cartoon were really messed up, and
the sound was all crackly and basically shit. The thing about
nostalgia, though, is that it can make you go crazy for things
you didn't like too much the first time around...
 |
Back
in the 80s, this was the only Ekta on TV |
Ek Anek aur Ekta is your basic Socialist fable. Perhaps
we're reading too much political allegory into one shitty cartoon,
but it helps to remember that back in the '80s, India and the
USSR were great pals, and our government had definite Socialist
leanings. Story starts with kid trying to pick mangoes off a
tree:
 |
Hum
sabhi ek hain... ta ra ra ra ra..... |
Now while he's running around
in triangles, his sister is chilling under a tree. Pay close
attention to her: Didi's got a great vocabulary and is intensely
patriotic. She likes nothing better than to sit around and draw
maps of India all day:
Kid
quickly figures out that the mangoes are just not happening.
He blinks a few times, then does this weird spaz walk to where
his sister is chilling. And then he asks her - just like that
- the question of the decade: Yeh "anek" kya hai,
didi?
Anek
yane bahut saare. Simple answer. Would be enough for most
people, really. But not this kid. He still doesn't get it. Stupid
kid with his crackly voice and shitty animation I hate him!!!!
 |
|
 |
Bahut
saare? Kya bahut saare? |
|
Accha...
batati hoon. |
 |
Sooraj
ek... chanda ek... taare anek. |
Taare
ko anek bhi kehte hai? God damn this kid is stupid. Maybe
he'd be able to learn faster if he wasn't so high all the time.
I'm not kidding... see how stoned he looks in this next shot:
So
Didi explains it again, this time in a song that will burrow
deep into your brain and replay itself over and over, at the
strangest times, over the next twenty years. You already know
the words.
 |
Sooraj-a
ek... (music) |
 |
Chanda
ek... (music) |
 |
Ek,
ek, ek, karke taare bhalle anek! |
Theek
se samjhao na, didi! He
still doesn't get it. Just then, a squirrel climbs down the
tree, sits on their shoulders, and then dashes off... Cue lesson
two:
 |
Dekho,
dekho, ek gilahari.... |
Now
some other squirrels also climb down the tree and run behind
the first one. Song continues: Peeche peeche anek gilahariyan....
 |
Tell
me anek gilahariyan don't trip you out. |
Lesson
3 is ek titali, followed by ek aur titali.
To save time and space, I'm going to fast-forward straight on
to anek titaliyan:
 |
This
is what anek titaliyan look like. |
The awesome thing about anek titaliyan is that the kid finally
gets it... Samajh gaya! He then holds up one finger,
although it's a different one than I personally would have held
up:
 |
|
 |
Ek
ungli... |
|
Anek
ungliyan! |
And
now that he's got it, he doesn't stop. Didi, didi! Woh dekho!
Anek chidiyan.
 |
(cheesy
string music) |
Anek chidiyon ki kahani
sunoge?
|
