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For
a kid in Bombay in the '80s, there wasn't much choice as to
what to watch on TV. We had, what, two channels? You could count
the number of kids' shows on your fingers. One of the most popular
of these shows was an old '60s Japanese series called Giant
Robot. Actually, it was called Johnny
Sokko and his Flying Robot, but we just called it Giant
Robot because it was about, well, a giant robot.
Doordarshan
knew that we couldn't really be choosy about what we watched,
so they probably bought the rights to broadcast this extremely
low-budget show quite cheaply, knowing we would lap it up anyway.
And lap it up we did; Giant Robot became our most popular Japanese
import after Fusen Gum.
Now,
when I call this a low-budget show, I'm not saying it was bad.
Keep in mind that our generation had not quite acquired the
jadedness it has today; so we could appreciate it for what it
was: a show about a kid who commands a 500-ton papier mâchè
robot. If all these TV channels today want to tap into the 18-25
demographic they keep talking about, they should stop showing
all this saas-bahu soap opera crap, and just show Giant
Robot 24/7.
I'm
a little hazy about how the series began, because they haven't
ever shown it since the '80s. As far as I remember, though,
it starts with an evil spaceship from the planet Gargoyle, carrying
the even more evil Emperor Guillotine with his most evil plans
to rule the world. The spaceship disappears into the ocean,
where it serves as the Emperor's headquarters. Meanwhile (or
later, who knows?) this kid Johnny Sokko is on a passenger ship
from Japan to Hawaii when he meets Jerry, who says he's a reporter
but is actually an agent for UNICORN, an international peace-keeping
secret police force. UNICORN was like, the coolest organisation
to be in: if you meet another UNICORN member, the password is
"Napolean Trump Card", to which one replies "Fifteen
of Diamonds". And the only way to enter their headquarters
was to go into a telephone box and dial "000".
But
I digress. The passenger ship is attacked by a sea monster,
and Johnny and Jerry swim to an island where they are captured
by the Gargoyle Gang, a secret terrorist organisation working
for Emperor Guillotine. They escape to an underground base where
they come across Emperor Guillotine's secret weapon: a giant
robot! They also meet the scientist who was captured and forced
to build the giant robot... he reveals that the robot can only
be activated by the first voice it hears through a wristwatch
designed to command it. Bet you know what's coming. Anyway,
Johnny jokingly shouts some shit into the watch before they
try to escape. The scientist dies, there's an explosion, and
the robot comes to life. Since Johnny was the first to speak
into the wristwatch, he now commands the robot. So he orders
it to fly them back to Tokyo, where he is made UNICORN Agent
U-7. Needless to say, the Emperor is pretty damn pissed off
about all this. He gets his cronies to command the sea monster
Dracolon to get it back. Big fight. Giant Robot wins. End of
first episode.
Every
episode followed pretty much the same pattern: Emperor Guillotine
wants the robot back, so he does all kinds of crazy shit. Lots
of fighting and monsters. Due to the show's low budget, they
ended up using a lot of the stock footage over and over, but
hey, didn't matter.
It's
been ages since anyone's seen an episode of this show... for
some reason they never showed it again. So let's do the next
best thing: let's reconstruct from memory and create our own
Giant Robot episode!
(Theme
music: too too to too, too too to too, to to too to too too...)
UNICORN
Commander: Gentlemen, even though we are an international
police organisation with military bases around the globe, we
are completely fucking useless without Johnny Sokko. So it gives
me great pleasure to present him with this standard issue cool
orange helmet. Wear it with pride.
Agent
U-4: But Commander, that's my helmet. I use it to impress
the lay-dees.
UNICORN
Commander: Dammit, Agent U-4. When you command a 500-ton
papier mâchè robot, we'll get you another helmet.
Now quit whining or I'll confiscate your Tamagotchi.
Johnny
Sokko: Thank you, Commander. I'll put it on right away
so I can practice walking into brick walls.
UNICORN
Commander: That boy is going places.
Meanwhile,
in the secret underwater spaceship of Emperor Guillotine...
Emperor
Guillotine: I will wait here for my man tonight, it's
easy when you're Big in Japan. When you're big in Japan, tonight...
Big in Japan, be tight....
Dr.
Botanus: Sorry to interrupt you, Emperor, but there's
an incoming transmission from Gargoyle headquarters.
Emperor
Guillotine: Ah, Silver Guy. Where have you been?
Dr.
Botanus: For the last time, sir, my name is Dr Botanus.
Emperor
Guillotine: Nonsense. You know the kids are never going
to remember that name. Silver Guy it is.
Dr.
Botanus: When you belittle me in public like this,
I feel you don't respect my worth as a person.
Emperor
Guillotine: Oh, boo hoo. This planet is really getting
to you, Silver Guy. Are you going to put that transmission through
or what?
Fangor:
Greetings, Emperor Guillotine. We're ready to carry out your
evil master plan. The boys and I, we thought we'd prepare a
little surprise for you... take a look at monitor #2.
Bad
Guys: All hail Emperor Gulliotine!
Emperor
Guillotine: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Bad
Guys: We just thought we'd dress up for you, seeing
as we know how much you like cool threads and all. Can we put
our arms down now?
Emperor
Guillotine: No! As a punishment for your gross stupidity,
you must keep your arms up like that for this entire episode.
Fangor:
Speaking of this episode, sir, we've been on air for 10 minutes
without unleashing any monsters on Tokyo. May I rectify this?
Emperor
Guillotine: Damn right. Silver Guy, meet Weird Head
Guy. I have a feeling you'll get along great.
Back
at UNICORN Headquarters...
Johnny
Sokko: Damn, I look sharp in these threads. Although,
for some reason I am vaguely bored. I have a feeling something
should be happening just... about...
Dracolon:
RAAARRRGGHHOOWW
Johnny
Sokko: Oops, was that me?
Dracolon:
GAAAAAHHHHH
Johnny
Sokko: No way that was my bowels! Come on
Giant Robot!
...
... ...
ka-khang!
(too
too to too, too too to too, to to too to too too...)
Dracolon:
BWARRRRGOOIE
Military
Official: ...and like I said, we need these reports
filed by Thursday, because they need to go out by... what
the hell is that??
Other
Official: I believe that is the reproductive organ
of a giant creature from outer space, sir.
Military
Official: Whew. For a second there I thought it was
something freaky.
Other
Official: You'll never hear me say this job is boring,
sir.
Fangor:
Our plan seems to be working perfectly.
Dr.
Botanus: The unleashing the monsters thing? Well, it's
not so much a plan as it is the exact same thing we've been
doing every episode.
Fangor:
They'll never see it coming.
Dr.
Botanus: Right you are. You know, we should start a
boyband together. I'll be the "cool rebellious one"
and you can be the "cute boy-next-door". Hey, don't
look now, but there's a weird red creature trying to eat you.
Fangor:
Oh, no, I'm not falling for that one.
Dr.
Botanus: I swear. Just look down. It's got this really
evil-looking eye that I'm trying hard not to stare into.
Fangor:
I'm not going to look.
Dr.
Botanus: Fine, have it your way. Mental note: change
"boy-next-door" to "half-eaten moron".
(too
too to too, too too to too, to to too to too too...)
Dracolon:
HOOWAAAAGARGLE!
Johnny
Sokko: Come on Giant Robot!
Johnny
Sokko: Huh?
UNICORN
Commander: Johnny, why is your dumbass robot standing
outside our window?
Johnny
Sokko: I don't know, sir. It's quite a moron that way.
Needs everything spelled out. Giant Robot! Go fight bad
monster!
Giant
Robot: ...
Johnny
Sokko: Now.
(too
too to too, too too to too, to to too to too too...)
kah-chunk!
Dracolon:
WAFFARGGNNN?
Giant
Robot: ...
Johnny
Sokko: Go Giant Robot!
Giant
Robot: Raises left hand (ka-chunk). Raises
right hand (ka-chunk!) Moves left foot in (whump!)
Moves right foot out (thoooom!)
Johnny
Sokko: Fuck you, Giant Robot! Stop doing the goddamn
hokey-pokey before every fight, and start kicking some ass!
Giant
Robot: (missiles slide to fingertips... kah-khank!
kah-khank!)
Johnny
Sokko: Finally! Now fire them! Fire them! Do it, bitch!
Boom!
Boom! Boom!
Boom!
Boom! Boom!
Johnny
Sokko: Hi Jerry. See how quickly I changed into the
UNICORN uniform while Giant Robot was fighting? Do you think
they'll give me another helmet?
Jerry:
We've been informed that there are some Gargoyle henchmen on
an island south of here. Let's fire up our jet packs and fly
down there.
Johnny
Sokko: We have jet packs?
Jerry:
Not just that, we also have the cheesiest flying special effects
ever. Up, up and awaayyy...
Johnny
Sokko: Wow, these really are crappy special effects.
If I didnt know better, I'd swear we were just standing with
our arms in the air.
Jerry:
Your helmet is shiny.
Nucleon,
the flying ball monster heads towards Giant Robot, who swings,
and....
POW!
Random
person #1: Shit, it's a flying ball monster!
Random person #2: Err... are we good guys or
bad guys?
Random person #1: Who cares? Run, you fool!
It's a giant ball!
Ligon-Tyrox:
WOOARRRGGHH
Giant Robot: ...
Ligon-Tyrox: GHORRHAAAA
Giant Robot: ...
Dr.
Botanus: Johnny Sokko is right; the robot is a bloody
moron. Can't do a thing without instructions. Just get it on,
already!
Giant
Robot: (kah-khang! kah-khang!)
Dr.
Botanus: Oops.
Boom!
Boom! Boom!
Jerry:
The island is directly below us, Johnny. You go ahead down,
I need to go take a piss.
Beatnik
Bad Guy: Hands up, Johhny Sokko. You've foiled the
Gargoyle Gang's plans for the last time. Prepare to die.
Johnny
Sokko: What are you going to do?
Beatnik
Bad Guy: I am going to read to you from Allen Ginsberg's
Howl.
Johnny
Sokko: I don't think so.
Beatnik
Bad Guy: We'll see about that. Moloch! Moloch! Robot
apartments! invisible suburbs! skeleton treasuries! blind capitals!
demonic industries! spectral nations! invincible madhouses!
granite cocks! monstrous bombs! Moloch whose mind is pure machinery!
Moloch whose blood is running money! Moloch whose fingers are
ten armies! Moloch whose breast is a cannibal dynamo! Moloch
whose ear is a smoking tomb!
Johnny
Sokko: Come on Giant Robot!
(too
too to too, too too to too, to to too to too too...)
Beatnik
Bad Guy: ...I'm with you in Rockland where we wake
up electrified out of the coma by our own souls' airplanes roaring
over the roof they've come to drop angelic bombs the hospital
illuminates itself imaginary walls collapse. O skinny legions
run outside O starry-spangled shock of mercy the eternal war
is here O victory forget your underwear we're free
Johnny
Sokko: Oh hi, Jerry. We escaped just in the nick of
time. Take us home, Giant Robot!
Jerry:
Oh hi, Johnny. I was just about to take a piss. Did I miss anything?
Bad
Guys: Can we put our hands down now, sir?
Emperor
Guillotine: I think I just pooped in my pants.
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