A
friend was recently cleaning out his room when he found some
greeting cards he'd bought 10 years ago and forgotten all about.
Knowing my taste for all things obscure and silly, he handed
them over to me. At first glance, they seemed fairly normal
Disney cards, with a set up on the front and a "cute"
punch line inside. Upon closer inspection, however, it became
clear that these could not be original Disney products... these
were "fakes" of the kind so widely found all over
India. Really, this country rips stuff off all the time and
doesn't think twice about it.
They'd done quite a good job of making it look
authentic... They'd lifted actual pictures of Disney characters
(as opposed to the crudely drawn Mickey Mouses you'd see on
children's schoolbags) and there was even a ©DISNEY at
the back, to fool the more discerning. Completely unnecessary,
because anyone with a half a brain would figure out that this
was shady shit. Why? Because of the goddamn content
on these cards. The plagiarisers (bless them) probably thought
that the jokes were "cute" or something. They're not.
They sound like the kind of pick up lines you'd expect to hear
at sleazy bars, or in a list that reads "bad pick up
lines that will get you slapped and never ever get you laid".
Printing
cards with wordings like this - not as a joke but in an earnest
attempt to create "fun, romantic cards" - would be
humourous in itself, but when the creators steal the likenesses
of those squeaky clean, wholesome Disney characters, they deserve
to be shared with the world. Let's see them!
 
I decided to show you this card first, because
it's the tamest of the three. The message is fairly simple:
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I've to walk
by again. The contraction of "I have" to "I've"
in a completely inappropriate place adds just the right amount
of shitty English for this card to be added to one's permanent
collection.
 
Whoa! Now entering sleaze zone. Lemme
get this right... we're supposed to be checking out Minnie Mouse's
body? Suddenly, my happy childhood memories of watching Disney
Hour seem... violated. How are we supposed to ever look
at Minnie the same way again, now that I've seen her posing
like a Playmate for this picture? What's that white thing under
her dress... are those her panties?? My god, what am I thinking...
shoot me now! If the people responsible for making
this card are reading this, I hope you're happy. I hope the
blood money you made from selling this shit can help you drown
out the knowledge that in the minds of children, a perfectly
innocent drawing of a cartoon character is now forever associated
with sluttiness.
But even that is nothing compared to the card
you're about to see. Take a deep breath, and look:
 
Is your father a terrorist? 'Coz you're
the bomb. I really wanna know... does crap like this actually
work? Are there women out there who actually find lines like
this amusing? Because I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to
recieve this card. And if that wasn't enough, the girl who gets
this card has to put up with the picture of Minnie Mouse from
the 1940s, just to remind her just how much of a bomb she is.
These cards are at least 10 years old, and
I wonder whether they still make rip-off items like this, what
with India's subsequent globalisation and liberalisation and
blah blah blah. Actually I'm quite sure they'd still be making
them. No one gives a shit.
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