Need a few extra bucks this summer? Well, have you considered selling your soul? You really should. And the biggest player in the business, the guy with the monopoly, the multinational multi-level marketing executive, is none other than Satan himself. He's always looking to buy out small-time souls like yours, so just to make sure everything goes smoothly, here's my guide to selling your soul to Satan in six easy steps!

1: Summoning the Man
This is the most complicated part of the process and litle can be said about it. There are several methods that are said to work, but most of these may be dismissed as old wives' tales. There is a famous mathod in which you are supposed to "speak of the Devil", at which point he is supposed to appear. However, I can tell you from personal experience that that does not work. So a good way would be to get Satan interested in you first. Blaspheme a lot. This may cause him to show up. It's worth checking your local library for information on Satanic rituals. Remember, each individual is unique (at least prior to the soul-transfer) and it's best to find the method that suits you the most.

2: Addressing him properly
Once Satan has graced you with his presence, remember to address him properly. By proper addressing I mean more like, "Glory to thee, fallen Angel, Exalter of Vices, Prince of Evil" and less like, "A hearty pip-pip! How goes it, you old blighter?" Agreed, it is difficult to think clearly at such times; Satan's presence has been known to cause people's bladders to violently empty themselves. Not a good first impression. On the other hand, resist the temptation (pardon the expression) to get over-friendly. Calling Lucifer "Lucy" for short, or calling him "Bubba" instead of Beelzebub will lead him to vent his anger in manifestations like Bubonic Plague, the Ice Age, the Arizona crater, the extinction of the Dinosaurs and the destruction of that planet that used to exist between Mars and Jupiter.

3: Showing appropriate behaviour
It's important to show appropriate behaviour at all times. Slapping him on the back and suggesting a game of rummy is out of line. Remember, the Lord of Darkness is in your presence less as a buddy, and more as an "entepreneur interested in the purchase of that metaphysical commodity vulgarly referred to as your soul".

Avoid any use of the G-word. Nothing kills the mood more than suddenly getting up to exclaim "Oh my G** ! Look at the time!" Play music, if you think it helps. Again, show discretion. Think along the lines of Sympathy For The Devil, but not, say, the Pope's new CD (although JP II can really wail).

In ancient times, Satan used to manifest as a horned winged goat and demand that worshippers kiss his backside as a sign of respect, but this is now practiced only by Heavy Metal musicians who go for that sort of thing anyway.

4: Striking the deal
Get to the point as soon as you can. Satan has all the evil in the world to manage, and cannot waste his time hanging about with the likes of you, Also, when striking a deal, be reasonable. You're not Mahatma Gandhi. Your soul can't really be worth that much. Find out the current soul exchange rates in your local newspaper. I got a Nintendo Game Boy Advance, one copy of Goethe's Faust (in the original German, unfortunately), and two sticks of Wrigley's Chewing Gum (Sulphurmint).

5: Honouring the deal
Once the deal has been signed, you must honour it. Any deviance from the agreed terms of settlement will lead in incurring Satan's wrath. And as far as wraths being incurred go, this is pretty much the big time. For this reason, you'd well be advised to read the fine print before signing anything. One fellow in Reykjavik stood one one leg for 40 years shouting "Dum Fiddle-diddle Dum Dum". Satan fancies himself as something of a practical joker. Also, if you displease him, he has been known to mess with your mind to the extent that normal rules no longer apply in your head. For instance, one man in Ulan Bator was so stricken that he was convinced that 2 + 2 = 1,876,353 (it should be 4).

6: Doing Satanic stuff
You've done it. You are now a full-fledged Satanist. There are going to be some changes in your life. For starters, you will have to stop associating with all your old friends. Not a hard thing to do once they discover your new habit of slaughtering their pets. Also, from now on your new mission in life is the overthrow the current Order of Things. You'll need to buy some new books. I recommend Aleister Crowley's autobiography (a good bedside book) as well as Anton LaVey's Manifesto of the Satanic Church (more of a coffee-table thing).

You'll also need to make other people aware of your new lifestyle. There are many subtle ways to do this, such as casually asking, "Excuse me, but does my pentagram necklace clash with the 666 on my forehead?" Throwing yourself into flames and thrashing about wildly, screaming "Damien! DaMiEn! DAMIEN!!!" is a very good idea.