Need a few extra bucks this summer? Well, have
you considered selling your soul? You really should. And the
biggest player in the business, the guy with the monopoly, the
multinational multi-level marketing executive, is none other
than Satan himself. He's always looking to buy out small-time
souls like yours, so just to make sure everything goes smoothly,
here's my guide to selling your soul to Satan in six easy steps!
This is the most complicated part of the process and litle can
be said about it. There are several methods that are said to
work, but most of these may be dismissed as old wives' tales.
There is a famous mathod in which you are supposed to "speak
of the Devil", at which point he is supposed to
appear. However, I can tell you from personal experience that
that does not work. So a good way would be to get Satan interested
in you first. Blaspheme a lot. This may cause him to show up.
It's worth checking your local library for information on Satanic
rituals. Remember, each individual is unique (at least prior
to the soul-transfer) and it's best to find the method that
suits you the most.
2: Addressing him properly
Once Satan has graced you with his presence, remember to address
him properly. By proper addressing I mean more like,
"Glory to thee, fallen Angel, Exalter of Vices, Prince
of Evil" and less like, "A
hearty pip-pip! How goes it, you old blighter?"
Agreed, it is difficult to think clearly at such times; Satan's
presence has been known to cause people's bladders to violently
empty themselves. Not a good first impression. On the other
hand, resist the temptation (pardon the expression) to get over-friendly.
Calling Lucifer "Lucy" for short, or calling him "Bubba"
instead of Beelzebub will lead him to vent his anger in manifestations
like Bubonic Plague, the Ice Age, the Arizona crater, the extinction
of the Dinosaurs and the destruction of that planet that used
to exist between Mars and Jupiter.
3: Showing appropriate behaviour
It's important to show appropriate behaviour at all times. Slapping
him on the back and suggesting a game of rummy is out of line.
Remember, the Lord of Darkness is in your presence less as a
buddy, and more as an "entepreneur interested in the purchase
of that metaphysical commodity vulgarly referred to as your
Avoid any use of the G-word. Nothing kills
the mood more than suddenly getting up to exclaim "Oh
my G** ! Look at the time!" Play music, if you think
it helps. Again, show discretion. Think along the lines of Sympathy
For The Devil, but not, say, the Pope's new CD (although
JP II can really wail).
John Paul II's latest CD
In ancient times, Satan used to manifest as
a horned winged goat and demand that worshippers kiss his backside
as a sign of respect, but this is now practiced only by Heavy
Metal musicians who go for that sort of thing anyway.
keep your breath minty fresh
4: Striking the deal
Get to the point as soon as you can. Satan has all the evil
in the world to manage, and cannot waste his time hanging about
with the likes of you, Also, when striking a deal, be reasonable.
You're not Mahatma Gandhi. Your soul can't really be worth that
much. Find out the current soul exchange rates in your local
newspaper. I got a Nintendo Game Boy Advance, one copy of Goethe's
Faust (in the original German, unfortunately), and two sticks
of Wrigley's Chewing Gum (Sulphurmint).
hour in Hell
5: Honouring the
Once the deal has been signed, you must honour it.
Any deviance from the agreed terms of settlement will lead in
incurring Satan's wrath. And as far as wraths being incurred
go, this is pretty much the big time. For this reason, you'd
well be advised to read the fine print before signing anything.
One fellow in Reykjavik stood one one leg for 40 years shouting
"Dum Fiddle-diddle Dum Dum".
Satan fancies himself as something of a practical joker. Also,
if you displease him, he has been known to mess with your mind
to the extent that normal rules no longer apply in your head.
For instance, one man in Ulan Bator was so stricken that he
was convinced that 2 + 2 = 1,876,353 (it should be 4).
6: Doing Satanic stuff
You've done it. You are now a full-fledged Satanist. There are
going to be some changes in your life. For starters, you will
have to stop associating with all your old friends. Not a hard
thing to do once they discover your new habit of slaughtering
their pets. Also, from now on your new mission in life is the
overthrow the current Order of Things. You'll need to buy some
new books. I recommend Aleister Crowley's
autobiography (a good bedside book) as well as Anton LaVey's
Manifesto of the Satanic Church (more of a coffee-table
You'll also need to make other people aware
of your new lifestyle. There are many subtle ways to do this,
such as casually asking, "Excuse
me, but does my pentagram necklace clash with the 666 on my
forehead?" Throwing yourself into flames and thrashing
about wildly, screaming "Damien! DaMiEn! DAMIEN!!!"
is a very good idea.