The greatest seer of all time, Nostradamus (born Michel de Nostradame) saw things both in what was in the near future for him, as well as hundreds of years away. However, for several reasons, he deliberately masked his prophecies, veiling them in metaphors so that their meanings would remain hidden.

Now it's obvious from the vast number of prophecies that not all has yet come to pass. Indeed, a glance through the Centuries alone will show that a great deal more are still waiting the right moment to bear fruit. My friends, such a time is now. I spent many dusty hours translating the prophecies from the original French, and was amazed at what I found. Glance, if you will, at the following...

QUATRAIN 1
There will be much anguish and sorrow,
Young blood running cold with such thoughts,
Never has there been such turmoil:
The maiden bequeathed to the aged king.

INTERPRETATION:
This one gave me such difficulty. I racked my brain for all possible interpretations, and eventually decided on the only possible one: Catherine Zeta Jones marrying Michael Douglas. And while their married life is the picture of contentment, the event led to much sorrow and anguish amond red-blooded young men everywhere. A remarkable bit of insight, one must say.

QUATRAIN 2
The one who grows larger each time,
The same will be found in deliberate act:
News that is spread around the world,
Many nations come together as one.

INTERPRETATION:
One of the simpler prophecies to decipher. The first line, of course, refers to Pamela Anderson Lee; the "one who grows larger each time". The seer has spoken here about the Pamela and Tommy Lee videos, stolen and distributed over the Internet a few years ago. The "deliberate act" is their "going-at-it-like-weasels". The video clips, spread around the world via the Net, did indeed bring many nations together as one.

Tommy Lee, looking no worse for the wear

QUATRAIN 3
When the Sun completes another thousand,
In the cage is found a locust-plague:
In small groups they shall arrive,
Destroy what is left of purpose.

INTERPRETATION:
It's easy to see why this prophecy has remained undeciphered. It is so drenched in metaphor that to see what Nostradamus is trying to say requires some serious friggin' thought. The first line is easy enough: "When the Sun completes another thousand". This was a common phrase in Nostradamus' time to mean the next millenium. This is our very first clue that the prophet is speaking of our very own time. Once this is figured out, the rest falls into place.

"The cage" he speaks of probably refers to the television. Old-time seers often used such archaic terms when speaking of modern-day appliances. Aeroplanes are "metal birds", cars are "horseless carriages" and dildos are "buzzing demon-worms". The television must certainly have looked to him like a cage in which strange retarded monkeys were kept for amusement.

Understanding what he means by "a plague of locusts" presented some difficulties. Locusts are known for two things besides being a scourge:

1) Arriving in hordes, and
2) Fucking off without a trace

But Nostradamus here says they will come "in small groups". This, then, is the key sentence that unlocks the prophecy, and we immediately see that he refers to the plague of boybands, which always come in small groups of approximately five. The last line, "destroy what is left of purpose", seems to hint that they will destroy the dignity of the music industry. A rather depressing prophecy.

This boyband is called Skandal. They spell it with a "k" because they are really bad boys.

QUATRAIN 4
In the closed chamber the anxious crowd,
Will await the Fourth and the First,
the crowd fear the dream that is left.
Much crying and screaming within them.

INTERPRETATION:
A rather dramatic quatrain that requires some examining. There are apparently masses of people in a closed place, who loath and fear some strange sight. The key to this verse is, in my opinion, in the use of the words "the Fourth and the First". Initially, I assumed that it applied to two chronological rulers of a dynasty - despotic rulers would certainly fit in with the theme of the prophecy. However, after much thought it was obvious that they were one and the same, and Nostradamus is actually referring to Star Wars - Episode I: the Phantom Menace.

This was the fourth film to be made in the series, but is supposed to be the first of the saga. Several other points lead to the same conclusion: the "anxious crowd" in the "closed chamber" can only be the audience of Star Wars fans in the theatre. Sorely disappointed with the film, it eventually led to "much crying and screaming".

In the original French, the word "left" (last in the third line) reads as gauche, literally translated as "the left direction" but also meaning "awkward". The film may certainly be considered "awkward". Also, "the direction" (as an alternate meaning of gauche) is in itself a meaningful phrase, possibly implying that the quality of direction in the movie was poor, that the directing abilty had "left" George Lucas. The French love word play like this.

Oooooh, yous calls mesa awkward?

Note: Nostradamus did not write these prophecies. I made them up. Don't bother looking for them to verify my translations. They do not exist. They are ficticious. Stop reading this now. Oogachacka oogachacka. Bingy bingy boingy boe. Are you still reading this? Fine, then I'll go write elsewhere. Sheesh, some people.